Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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