watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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