I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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