And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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