Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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