I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
