is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
