Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
