I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
