When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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