still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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