my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
