Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
