my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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