dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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