You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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