Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
