she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
