Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
