There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
