this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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