Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
