i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
