Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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