i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We smell like vodka and hangover
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