So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
