Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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