If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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