If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
