a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
