You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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