If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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