I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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