I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
