I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
