It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
