community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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