I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
