guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
