mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
