Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
