You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Buhtt sex?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
