It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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