Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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