Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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