I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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