I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
