Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
