you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
