how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
