i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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